pursed lips
messy hair
unshaven face
plane flight
coming home
furrowed brow
talk talk talk
9 years
talk talk talk
pain
unspoken
honesty
tears
pain
talk talk talk
28 years
pain
alone empty
tears rage sadness
talk talk talk
will change
won’t change
sins of the past
uncovered but unconfessed
pain
regret
tears
love
twisted in sorrow
healing maybe
distance needed
talk talk talk
15 years
ish
talk talk talk
respect
no
control
yes
control control control
demand demand demand
no respect
no love
rage violence
hatred misery
talk talk talk
no more
fuck the man who won’t confess his sins
fuck the man who loves honor more
than he respects his brother
fuck the liar
fuck the hater
fuck all the sin I’ve done
fuck it all
forgive me Father for I am full of hate
forgive me Father for I want the world to end
sound the trumpet
loose the horsemen
crack the earth and burn the sky
talk talk talk
hate hate hate
eyes burn vision blurs
what good is an act of love
what good is one kindness
what good is one gift given freely
please God I have to believe
please multiply the good
please don’t let it drown
in a sea of evil
i still fucking have hope
throat tightens
eyes burn
fucking hate all of it
tears come slowly
hardly come at all
want to feel like i have some kind of power
want to run away
want to move away
pack up and start a new life
want to pierce my skin and shave my head
wanttochange wanttochange wanttochange
something to not feel powerless
who even am i anymore
who is the me
FUCKING WHY is the me
i see now why the saints curse their birth
i didn’t before but i do now
fuck it all
thank God for friends
thank God for wife
thank God for love
thank God for support groups
thank God for good books
thank God for poetry
if i had to make a painting right now
i’d splatter paint all over a canvas over and over and then shoot it with a fucking GUN
that’d actually be really fucking rad
smile for the first time in hours
it’s a good thing i can make myself laugh sometimes
in case it wasn’t clear I’d unload a whole fucking clip from a handgun into that canvas.
it’d be fucking beautiful.
God, it would feel so good.
ha ha ha ha ha ha
ah…
anxiety
stress
creeping up
creeping in
never ceasing
never ending
fuck my life
fuck this world
God
give me what i need
please
give me the strength i do not have
please please please
brain filled with anxiety
justice or silence
fear rage sadness
hits like a wave
harder than a truck
not hard enough to let me fucking die
hard enough to put me all the way back in hell
if you think this is emo shit you can go
FUCK YOURSELF
i wish i didn’t care but i do
“Today I love and accept myself.”
nope
“Today I like who I am.”
that’s a laugh
“Today I will not criticize myself or others.”
oops.
“Today I have the right to protect my thoughts and feelings.”
okay there’s one.
throat hurts
screamed too loud
surprised no one called the cops
“Today I want to fucking die.”
“Today I want the world to end.”
if you’ve read this far
well
here is the truth
it sure as shit ain’t pretty
but there it is.
God
give me strength
God
help me pray
help me pray for those I hate
help me love my enemy
weak fingers typing
half-hearted prayers
maybe less than half
it’s a process it’s a process it’s a process
i’m very tired now.
God
i need you now more than ever
please be with me and my wife
please
please
please…
i’m so very tired…

 

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